A letter to you:
That I haven’t gone to visit you recently or to really really write to you.
One year ago was the worst day of my life. And I still blame myself for not knowing something was wrong. I knew that you weren’t feeling well that day and that you were the weakest I had ever seen you. And you falling scared the hell out of me. But I was SO relieved later that night when I talked to you by the time you got to the hospital. You were speaking coherently and answering the nurse’s questions about you, even though she was asking me. lol.
But waiting in that waiting room…was awful. I just felt queasy. To my left was Raymond and Ronald and I had to eat M&M’s because there was no time for dinner. I thought everything would be okay. When I came home I cleaned your room and folded your clothes because I wanted it to be nice and organized, and for you to have enough space in there for when you came home.
I never got to tell you what I was planning for my future. How was planning on minoring in business. Or even that I started school. And I regret that. But I know you would just tell me it was okay. Because you’re just so understanding and I know you would never get mad at me or anything.
Right before you fevers started up again in the last couple of weeks. I remember that doctor was there and he asked you questions about who I was and you didn’t remember at first…but then you did! And you were kinda offended that the doctor thought you didn’t know me. And then he asked you how many people were in the room. It was just you, me, and the doctor who was there. But you said there were 4. He looked at me, very concerned. But you pointed to him, yourself, me, and the person on the tv. hahaha! The doctor laughed and said you were right.
Even though you talked my ear off, like, all of the time, told repeated stories, or dragged on details to others….I loved it. And I’m glad so many people have such great memories of you.
Sometimes I think, “This is getting easier, every day.” But recently it’s like, the pain is still there. And I think it’s always going to be there. Because there’s a hole in my heart now.