BATH ASSAULTS: The Story Of All Stories
Last night I was in Saginaw, MI to record backup vocals on our new album and instead of driving back home to the Flint area, I decided to hang out with my friend Dan. The best part of the story is we thought crashing an open house to watch some hair metal band play in a garage and eating their food was the craziest thing we would do that night. Boy, were we wrong.
We were hanging outside of Dan’s house with a few of us friends trying to find something to do and luckily decided to stay right where we were even after two incredibly suspicious looking guys ran by the house in a panic like something was chasing them. Keep in mind these instances were about 10 minutes apart and somehow not related… I didn’t feel safe but we knew somehow it would lead to a great story. This time we were right.
About 15 minutes later we’re laughing and goofing around and a block away we saw this humongous guy slowly walk into the center of the street and start screaming, “HEY YOU ASSHOLES! THE SIDEWALK ENDS HERE. WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?!” The mystery guy, who we’re assuming is just drunk and hilarious, gets down into a sumo wrestler position while flipping us off with both hands. He seemed to be concentrating extremely hard to pull off this feat and remained there for about 5 minutes. We yelled back jokingly then he started telling us to light off fireworks because he didn’t have any. This lead to him screaming at us to suck his dick, that our families were, “open mouth dick suckers” then after some more profanities including, “lighting his ass on fire”, he eventually ran away.
This time only 2 minutes went by and a mini van pulled up to us and we thought it would be scary guy’s friend. Turns out it was a neighbor asking us if we knew him because he was about to call the cops. He looked out his window and saw the gargantuan, drugged-out beast, laying in his front yard. We all decided to check it out when we realized he moved across the street to fall asleep in some bushes. In his drug induced stupor the guy was passed out on about 3 little plants hanging out next to the sidewalk leading up to this neighbor’s front door. We figured if we could get him up and ask where he lived (which was apparently down the street) we could slowly lead him to safety and end the night peacefully. We yelled for him to get up then Dan sprinkled some dirt on the guy to see if that’d help. IMMEDIATELY the guy opens his eyes, sits up like WWE’s The Undertaker, and stands up staring like we’re all about to die. Dan screams, “THE GUY IS LIKE A BEAR! RUN!” and we all start bolting away. The owner of the house comes out saying he doesn’t know who the guy is and (by the way, the drugged out guy was wearing a Punisher shirt, so he’ll be called The Punisher for the rest of this story) The Punisher runs right up to him and shoves him as hard as he can. Luckily the neighbor is a hardass and it doesn’t phase him. The guy then starts running full speed and shoving or swinging punches at our friends with intent to potentially destroy something. It had to be one of the most terrifying things ever. This guy is a BEAST. Then The Punisher locks eyes on me and runs full speed in my direction, the second I look back and he’s about to reach me I hear THE LOUDEST CRACK I’ve ever heard. It was Dan haymakering the guy in the face which should have knocked him to the ground. The guy stops, turns his attention to Dan completely unscathed and begins taking his shirt off and growling. Amidst my running I look back at the perfect time to see Dan floating in the air like Liu Kang and karate kicking the guy in the chest to knock him to the sidewalk. HE DROPPED KICKED HIM IN REAL LIFE! The guy groans, and he SHOULD be finished… then HE SITS UP AGAIN LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND STARTS CHASING US!
We are terrified at this point. This guy is NOT DRUNK and he is NOT ON NORMAL DRUGS. We run around the corner until the guy gets one house away and begins screaming at us. Something is not right. The guy continues with the profanities, yelling at us about our shorts even though he’s wearing camo pants, and saying that we’re ruining “his” neighborhood. He rips off part of the neighbors fence and throws it at us. The screaming continues for about 10 minutes straight (including topics like dick sucking, Facebook, lighting fireworks off in his ass, etc.) and our buddy finally gets a chance to call the cops. We just stand there staring at this wreck of a person, eyes glazed out of his mind, screaming until his voice begins to crack and eventually give out.
Tonight we learned the Saginaw Police Department are the COOLEST people ever. The first officer shows up, The Punisher starts running as fast as he can which lasts about 3 steps… then the officer jumps out of the car, mustache blowing in the wind like a wild stallion’s tail, rushes the guy and screams, “HEY GENIUS, GET OUT FROM BEHIND THE TREE. I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOU!” Punisher starts screaming back and walking toward the cop until Mr. Mustache responds with, “GET ON THE GROUND OR I’M ABOUT TO LIGHT YOU UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE!” The guy starts screaming back then after a few more warnings finally falls to the ground. He is resisting arrested, screaming, which leads to crying, which leads to some of the scariest noises I’ve ever heard. 3 more cop cars pull up and they’re all carrying mag-lights like they’re ready to do business. This isn’t a normal bust at all. The officer walks up to us and says, “This guy is one minute shy of eating somebody’s face off. It has to be bath salts or something.” All of us just look at each other realizing we’re still alive and this is one of the COOLEST nights ever. We walk back down the street and realize we don’t have to do a police report so we just stand, jaws dropped to the floor, as four men and paramedics somehow strap this monster once he’s handcuffed to a stretcher and get him in the ambulance. A police cruiser pulls up to us and continuing the streak of badassery, says, “Well at least you got something exciting in an otherwise completely boring town, right?” smiles, laughs, and pulls away. The scene clears and we all just start cheering. There is nothing else we could’ve done. EATING FREE OPEN HOUSE FOOD WAS NOT THE COOLEST THING TODAY.
First of all, let me just say that the whole concept of this new “bath salts” drug is crazy. After hearing what people do when they’re on it, it shows how scary human beings are for wanting to try it out. To me it goes for any drug, especially those that make you lose your mind like PCP. Were we scared? Hell yes. We were excited that we get to tell this story forever? Even more so.
Later that night we not only found the ripped off Punisher shirt and a single CROC laying in the street. Another police cruiser, this time a lady driving it pulls up and asks, “who’s shoe is that?” We tell her it was from the guy who terrorized the neighborhood and got taken away by four cops. Her response? She bites her lip, gives us a big thumbs up, and drives off into the horizon. Could it have gotten any better? Of course. The guy was wearing CROCS. He chased us to fight us WEARING CROCS.
The end.
A great story, indeed.
